To Knight, Today

They say that chivalry is dead. As a set of qualifications for a Medieval knight, including such charming requirements as Faith and Chastity, I say, Good riddance. And that whole "Women and children first" thing. What's that all about? Don't get me wrong, I like to think I would help other people into the lifeboats, rather than jumping in myself while knocking other people out of my way like ninepins (Anyone ever play ninepins? Ever even seen it? Is there a reason for that, do you think -- something that makes ten-pin bowling more American? Is ninepins a Commie game?) but I see no reason that it must be women and children. It's quite a cold-blooded calculation, to weigh the potential lifespan of two people and use that to judge the more valuable; why not consider who has done more to deserve rescuing? Whose life's accomplishments deserve more respect, the eight-year-old or the eighty?

But inasmuch as chivalry is a code of behavior, a guideline for helping us to see how to be a good person, then I am not so cavalier about its demise. But I think it could use some updating -- because this guy is not who I want to be.

The Arthurian legends, the handbook for How To Be a Chivalrous Knight, and also how not to be (in both cases: act like Lancelot), depict chivalry as some combination of: Faith, Loyalty, Courtesy, Honesty, Honor, and Chastity. Faith in God first and foremost, because above all else, knights were defenders of Christendom -- that's why they were always out slaying dragons and giants, the representations of pre-Christian paganism. That's why Galahad comes the closest to finding the Holy Grail (And I just typed Hoky -- typo or Freudian slip?), because he is the purest of all the Knights of the Round Table. After God comes loyalty to your king, which is where Lancelot blows it; courtesy referred to good manners, but only in connection with nobility. There was no reason not to be rude to the peasants. Honesty is pretty straightforward: a knight isn't supposed to lie, which is why when Sir Tarquin pauses in the middle of their hours-long duel (In which the blood flew like rain and their swords pierced each others' flesh most sorely) to tell Lancelot that he has fought so well that he feels they should put up their swords and call it a draw -- provided he isn't Sir Tarquin's sworn enemy, Sir Lancelot, Lancelot says, "But I am Sir Lancelot. Have at you!" and chops off his head. Honor is more a sense of glory and fame; honor as in one's good reputation, not what the Mormons were talking about. And chastity -- well, that's again where Lancelot blows it, and why Galahad sees the Grail. A knight was only supposed to feel courtly love, which is absolutely platonic -- the courtly ideal was to love a woman who was, in one way or another, beyond your reach. That's why they thought chicks in towers were so hot.

Most of these are obsolete in today's world, and no great loss. Loyalty to king has been replaced in America by loyalty to country, and look where that got us -- into a war against Faith. I am neutral about both patriotism and religious fervor; if they work for you, then they work, and that's fine, but I see them as no more than potentially efficient means of getting through life -- and at the same time, they are potentially dangerous. They are no longer ideals to be sought after. Honor and glory are empty, treacherous things, like hidden rip currents: intangible, nothing you can clearly define and point at and hold in your hand, and yet more than capable of destroying you. They should never have been praised, and certainly shouldn't be now -- our search for glory is what made American Idol as well as the Vietnam War, and the closest we come to honor is the thousand-and-one award shows that clog our networks, as they are broadcast into leaky-roofed rat-infested retirement homes filled with our forgotten elders. And chastity? Come on now.

What we need, then, is a new list. And a new rule, one that reflects the egalitarian spirit of the modern world: this list is for everybody. Not just the fellas, because damsels today should be getting people out of distress, not getting in it themselves. Not that I blame the damsels in the legends; who would you rather lock up in a tower, Fiona or Shrek? In any case, both men and women should strive for chivalry; not women and children first, but those who we all feel should be rescued first (And if it's women and children who win the vote, I'm fine with that. I would've gotten up on that goddamn door, though, instead of letting my sweetie take a nap on it while I freeze to death. We could at least share.). Here are my suggestions for a new code of chivalry.

The first quality that a person should strive for in this clanking, whirring world is Patience. Call it serenity, call it peace, call it a Type B personality; we try too hard and too often to do things quickly, to work as hard as possible in order to get things done -- so we can relax afterwards. We need to cut out the middle step, before stress kills us all. If we could just take our time, slow down and relax, then the work will still get done, but maybe we'll enjoy it more -- and figure which is better: a hellish work week followed by two days of desperate relaxation, or a whole week that combines work and leisure, in all seven days? All we need is just a little patience. Yes, that's right -- the prophet of the new chivalry is Axl Rose.

Not really.

Next after Patience (though these are in no particular order), I'd like to put Reason. This is supposed to be the Information Age, the time when life revolves around knowledge, around thought, around intellect; and yet we still play football. More to the point, we still make war on each other, out of fear and aggression. Considering our potential for destruction, and considering as well our potential ability to keep and protect one another from almost any harm, I would like to see reason, a reliance on logic and thought rather than emotion and impulse, as the basic means of reaching decisions. This is one of my greatest fears for the next generation: that they so despise thinking, that they so admire mindless impulses as a means of finding short-lived pleasure after short-lived pleasure, anything that brings instant gratification no matter how taxing it may be in the long term. I know we all do that as children, and that eventually we grow up -- but I worry that our youth-obsessed culture and our desperate and never-ending womb envy will keep today's children from ever being anything but. We should spend more time thinking, and teach them to do the same. Maybe it will keep us from electing ever more stupid men into positions of power.

Third on my list is Purpose. No, I haven't read the Purpose-Driven Life; if I could think of a trait that would keep people from ever reading a goddamn self-help book, it would be first on this list. Maybe No Believing Psychobabble. Is there an anti-Dr. Phil? Anyway, I do think that people should have a reason to live, something they seek, something they strive for; I think our first purpose in life should be to find that thing. I think we should all have something in the back of our heads that keeps us focused on what we were meant to do, and keeps us from wasting all of our time playing video games. Not that there's anything wrong with video games, of course. But there has to be some kind of grand goal, and it shouldn't be self-aggrandizement -- not glory, in other words, which is why I didn't use the word, Ambition. This needs to be something bigger than greed -- but since it also needs to be personal and individual, I can't really define it more than that.

I'm having a moment of doubt, here. Am I just being too preachy? I mean, who the hell am I to tell people who they should be, how they should act, what they should believe in? See, this is why we need a code. This is about something we can all agree with, that we can interpret in different ways -- that's why it needs to be at least a little bit vague. I also don't believe I've figured all of this out even for myself; I will certainly need to revisit this.

In fact, I think I'm going to cut this short here, and think about it some more. Here, this will be our homework until next week: think about the traits on the list. Here's the rest of mine, just as food for further thought: Honesty, Justice, Compassion, and Love -- Love of Truth, and Love of Life.

Patience and Reason. I'm going to go walk my dog.